


It's Not Fate, It Was All By Chance.

by wannaholdyoutight



Series: It's Not Fate, It Was All By Chance [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Depression, F/M, Friendship/Love, I don't know, Love, M/M, Multi, Self-Destruction, Self-Loathing, ahhhhh, i'm not even sure where this story will go, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, not positive on the others boys pairings yet, or just be a bit random, possible that they may come in later, self hatred, self-hate, thoughts, we'll have to see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-03 16:49:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/700510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaholdyoutight/pseuds/wannaholdyoutight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis Tomlinson, 20, once a bright and cheery boy who loved nothing more than being the center of attention has changed greatly over the years. No one can find the exact moment when Louis became someone they didn't recognize, but Liam is certain that his best friend is still hiding in there somewhere. Louis no longer tries out for lead roles or offers to preform his pieces first in class, he prefers to try and stay behind the scenes of what everyone believed was his calling in life and tries harder than anything to avoid any and all human interaction. It's by chance that Harry Styles, 18, catches Louis playing the piano and singing his heart out one day after his class had ended and seventeen minutes before Harry's class begins. It's by chance that the younger boy watches in silence with wide eyes as Louis has his first breakdown outside of the solitude of his own bedroom or bathroom. At least that's what Louis keeps telling himself, it's all by chance. Because Louis knows it can't mean anything, that simple stupid moments like this never end good.. And it doesn't matter how many times stupid Harry Styles tries to convince him that it was fate, because it wasn't and that's stupid and he never wants to see him again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Fate, It Was All By Chance.

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is mostly just inner thoughts/memories/etc. I just kind of wanted to set up the scene and give a taste of Louis' mind frame. And obviously the Louis/Liam friendship stuff. Uh, I plan on having the second chapter out today. Probably sometime in the afternoon. So expect that. :)
> 
> Hopefully this isn't shit.. Uh, not sure what kind of pairings I have in mind for the other boys yet.. but rest assured there will be something! UHm, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the university system in the UK so I apologize in advance for fucking anything up, same goes with the word differences from the US to the UK.. I do have a list of different words though and I will try my hardest to keep everything in proper order. 
> 
> Hoping someone enjoys this because I'm really thrilled to write it. So let me know what you think!

_"It had to start somewhere.."_ Louis knows that, he's more sure of that than he's been of anything his whole life but no matter how many times he thinks it, or Liam says it he can't figure out when exactly it did start. Louis can't put the puzzle pieces of his mind back together and figure out when he realized he was kidding himself into believing he could do all of this. Where did Louis think his life was going? Did he really think he would somehow end up on Broadway? That somehow someone would see past his mediocre face and pudgy tummy and think that he was worth more than he was letting on. No, no one would ever say that, actually they wouldn't even think it. Louis was worthless, tactless and pointless and he was fooling himself and somehow others that it was possible he would ever be anything more. He doesn't know when he gave up on himself and his dreams but he does remember that he was a lot happier before his epiphany. Maybe it's possible, he thinks, that these thoughts had always been inside Louis's head, maybe they were just gnawing at his brain and his heart and one day he snapped and couldn't handle fighting against it any longer. 

Louis grumbles, realizing he hadn't answered Liam but he also can't bring himself to form actual words. Liam knows how it works at this point, that if Louis doesn't want to talk to him, he's not going to talk to him but it doesn't stop sad look from covering the younger boys features and it certainly doesn't stop making Louis feel worse about himself than he already did. Making his grip on the couch tighter and concentrating on the rough feeling of the cheap material he tries as hard as he can to say something back to Liam that wouldn't upset him even more than the silence. "I'm trying, Liam." He says after a long pause, his jaw clenched tight as he sends his best friend since primary school, as nice of a look as he can get his face to conform to. 

A small but sad smile comes through on Liam's face, but even if Louis hadn't looked at his lips he could read all the emotion in his eyes. They don't hold a void stare that Louis' do, not the kind of pathetic looks that he notices every time he faces himself in the mirror, when he can actually get himself to focus on his reflection for more than ten seconds at a time. No, Liam's eyes still hold a glint of hope behind them, that he somehow thinks he can pull his best friend back up from the deep end and things will fall back into place. Louis has told him plenty of times that it won't happen and that he's not that strong, or worth enough for someone to believe in him that much. But of course, Liam never listens to the words that he calls "absolute rubbish", which seem to fall from Louis' lips more and more everyday. No, Liam has no intentions of giving up on his best friend. Not even on the worst days where instead of getting sad, Louis gets angry and spits off hateful words that hit Liam right in his, all too big, heart and sometimes leave him with tears threatening to spill over his lashes. Louis isn't sure what he did to deserve Liam, or how it's possible that he still chooses to stick around through all of this, but Louis does try to make it up to him when he can. On the days when he's not feeling quite so awful he always makes sure to make Liam a cup of tea and to tell him how much he appreciates him. Liam will ruff his hair or pull him into a short but tight hug and then Louis tries his best to amuse Liam with a few rounds of FIFA before his head starts spinning and he simply cannot handle the human interaction for any longer.

The older boy wasn't always such a shit friend, actually if you had a chance to sit down with Liam for a few days he would tell you plenty of stories about all the great things Louis has done for him. From convincing him to join the football team, to all the days that he would build up his confidence no matter what the situation was (First date, first match, first time.. There was a point in time where Louis didn't know or care about boundaries), the time he jumped the fence and ran onto the field after Liam had been knocked down, rather roughly, during a match. The injury had seemed a lot more serious than it was, but after Louis had made sure Liam was okay he strut over to the boy who had hurt Liam and grabbed him by the collar of his jersey. Louis was was at least six inches shorter than the boy but it didn't stop him from giving him a few choice words before abruptly punching him in the nose. Needless to say, Louis wasn't allowed at that field again and Liam would never tell Louis when he was up against that particular team. If you asked Liam, he would tell you that it was one of his favorite memories and even though Louis hasn't been himself for at least six months now, Liam still has a hard time believing this new boy who took his place is the same one who once did that for him. Liam has an even harder time believing that he can't somehow bring his favorite person back.

Louis glances at the clock above the telly, mostly because he can't meet Liam's gaze any longer but also because he's hoping it'll be about time for Liam to head off. Eleven O'clock. Louis feels a small tug of something in the pit of his stomach, it's close to joy he decides, and although if anyone knew that they would think he was a total arse, he reasons with himself that it's not because of Liam, but because of himself and that forcing Liam to be around him for this long is truly an awful thing. Louis lets his cold blue eyes travel to meet Liam's brown and caring ones before moving them back to the clock, getting Liam to follow his gaze. Liam lets out a "fuck" under his breath before getting up from his position on the couch and moving to grab his rucksack. Louis doesn't watch him but he knows his movements down to a tee. He knows Liam will throw his rucksack over his right shoulder and fish the car keys out of his jean pocket as he makes his way to the door, that he'll bend down slightly to pull the back of his shoe over his heel because he never unties them, but Louis knows more than anything that he'll stand in the doorway after he opens it, staring at Louis and trying to decide on a proper goodbye. 

Louis knows that Liam somehow in the way back of his brain seems to think that one day he'll find the correct words to say and Louis will jump up off the couch, his old personality crawling back inside him and getting comfortable in his skin once again. But they both know it's not that simple, no matter how much the younger lad wishes it was true. "See you when you get out of classes, yeah?" Liam questions, although they both know Louis has no where else to be after his classes this afternoon and that even if he did he would probably find some way to skip out on doing it. Louis nods once, still staring at the clock and refusing to meet Liam's eyes. "'M gonna order pizza tonight." He tells Louis, before sending him a smile that Louis catches out of the corner of his eye, and then without another word Liam is gone, the door closed and the footsteps trail away in almost too slow of strides, like he's just waiting for Louis to run out and stop him, tell him that pizza is fantastic and his absolute favorite. Because it is and it always has been, and when Louis used to be so happy about everything pizza always made his eyes light up like you'd just given him the moon on a string. But that was the old Louis, and this Louis doesn't even want to think about pizza because eating it will just make him that much heavier, his stomach that much puffier, his face that much greasier.

He waits until her can no longer hear Liam's footsteps retreating from their flat before deciding he should at least look over whatever it is that he was told to study up on before his class at noon. Honestly, Louis doesn't look at the page for more than five minutes but somehow it's already 11:52 and he knows that he's going to be late. He shrugs to himself, a part of him wishing that he cared more before his head quickly reminds him that none of this really matters. Louis takes his time grabbing his rucksack and throwing the few books, script and sheet music that he needs inside and barely has the energy needed to toss it over his shoulder. He let's out a sound that ridiculous sounds like an "umph" as the weight lands heavy on his back. He reaches for his car keys, sitting in their usual place on the coffee table, before slipping his bare feet into a pair of white toms and exiting the flat. Louis doesn't bother to turn the light off when he leaves and he's only a tiny bit aware that it's because Liam won't be happy about it when he gets back.


End file.
